i have been so sick and in so much pain and fatigue for so long now, that my already overly sensitive self is even more so. It is an intense path to try to navigate. Every smell, sound, and lights hit me like gun shots… and i am not exaggerating. People do not understand because they keep saying, “Well, you LOOK good!” And that is part of the problem… because i am a fighter and i am not lying around in bed (well sometimes i have no other option because my body refuses me anything else) … people don’t get how intense my health situation is.
The other day in the vegan restaurant, i had to use the restroom. Even though they use natural cleaning products, the smell was SO intense for me, that i had an immediate headache and my asthma kicked in. i pulled my shirt over my face and breathed as shallowly as i could. But when i went to open the door, i could not get the lock to let go. i can not even begin to explain the absolute terror that took over me. It was a purely physical reaction that then kicked into my mind. i did my best to calm my breathing and my mind, but people do not understand what Lyme Disease does to both the body and the mind. i can not truly explain what it is like other than to say that in this moment, EVERY tool i have in my mental, spiritual, and emotional toolbox would not work. i did not have my phone and i did not have my inhaler as i had left both at the table. i literally collapsed onto the floor, pounding on the door, begging for someone to come and let me out. i am soooooooooo incredibly grateful that someone who worked there was nearby and heard my pounding and helped me get the door open. “Grazie Mille! Grazie Mille!!” i repeated over and over, my body shaking uncontrollably.
i am the woman who lived for over two years in a tree surviving things most people will never be subjected to. But now, tiny bacteria combined with car wrecks where i was hit from behind without seeing them coming, have reduced me to a hyper-sensitize, over reactive mess.
As i write this, i am crying because i am just so raw right now. i am so tired of trying to be strong all the time. i am totally and completely exhausted.
There is a band Imagine Dragons and they have a song “RADIOACTIVE” that really speaks to me right now.
The link combines two of their songs, is live, and is completely and totally amazing to me.
This second link is them performing “Radioactive” mixed with a rapper. It has an edge to it that i also love.
i feel radioactive on so many levels right now. As weird as it might sound, i am so grateful to this band, this song, and especially the way they perform it live. It makes me cry everytime i watch it because somehow it validates what i am going through right now.
Love and Tears,
julia
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