I just turned 40 years old

I just turned 40 years old.  It’s a big occasion… only it wasn’t.   It feels like I limped, bedraggled and broken over the day.  I left Belize, I left my loving partner of over 2 years.  I left my home of over 2 years.  I left my dream of being healthy and having a healthy place to call home.  I left most of my belongings.  I left my kitties with a new human.  I left my heart, tattered and broken.  I sit here writing this feeling like an empty shell.  I feel hollow and sad and wrung out.

I am starting over…again.  Apparently, I am the butterfly who goes back into the cocoon every so often.   I am liquefying yet again.  And before you think you are oh so funny and original… yeah, I have heard the midlife crisis line already… many times.

I feel like a failure.  I feel like a mess.  I am 20 pounds heavier than I want to be and my health issues are a part of why I can’t keep weight off.  I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror.  I am 40 years old, and I am homeless, I have failed at just about everything I have tried the last many years.

On the positive note, I have some of the best FRamily a person could ever hope for.  They continue to love me and spoil me in spite of what a mess I am.  And, on the work front, I chose a while back to start representing myself, and hire an amazing support person, and the result is one of the best tours coming together that I have had in a very long time.

It is hard being as committed as I am and working as hard as I have on every level imaginable only to have my life and health crumble around me.

So, I turned 40… and it did not come in with a roar… it came in with a whimper… and some deep, heart wrenching sobbing.

I know, I know… this too shall pass… it is all made up, and it is all impermanent.  But, right here and right now… I am sad and hollow and praying that the beginning of this new year for me is not the sign of what I get to be with for the rest of the year.  So, I am blowing out imaginary candles and making my wish…

One of the only good things about feeling this low… surely it can only go up from here?

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……….

Love,

julia