Tears flow from a seemingly endless reservoir…
i know things will be fine.
i don’t need to be told.
It is patronizing
when the heart hurts this much
to try to “fix” me…
when all there is to do
is cry until I feel I might die in it.
I know there is nothing “True”
and all pain and suffering comes from
illusions of the mind.
i know to breathe, notice, let it go…
i don’t need to be told.
i don’t need to be told,
“This too shall pass.”
In this moment,
what is “true”
is that I am feeling
a deep and intense and overwhelming
sadness and grief…
and tears
that feel like razor blades
dismembering my heart and gut
wishing to die
because living in this pain is so much worse.
And yes, I know, I know, I know–
i am just dying to self,
dying to ego,
dying to letting go of illusion.
I don’t need to be told.
It is patronizing
when the heart hurts this much
to try to “fix” me.
It is patronizing
when the heart hurts this much
to try to “fix” me.
Please just let me be.
Don’t try to fix me.
Please just let me be.
And if you feel so moved…
maybe just love me…
without needing anything in return.
Without words even.
Just love me.
Because if there is anything that will
ease this sadness,
it is that soft energetic feeling,
like a gentle blanket,
of being held
without restraint, constraint, or restrictions,
rules or regulations,
qualifiers or quantifiers, or the need to teach or preach…
just that soft feeling of being held and loved.
For no reason.
For nothing earned or deserved.
For no reason.
And meanwhile I will sit here,
with tears pouring out of the hole in my soul
as my heart shatters and
my gut is sliced and spilling out into the abyss…
Julia Butterfly Hill – January 23, 2014
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